PRESS RELEASE: Recycling Sisterhood Bene Gesserit of Sustainability Thwarting Harkonen Waste Management

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

April 1, 2025

Waste Arrakis: Elite Recycling Sisterhood Revealed as Bene Gesserit to Thwart Harkonen Waste Empire

BOSTON, MA – In a stunning development uncovered today (April 1st, obviously), a covert order of elite recycling professionals has been outed as none other than the secretive Bene Gesserit of sustainability—a powerful collective silently shaping the environmental future of the galaxy... one compost bin at a time.

The Prophecy: Children and great-grandchildren yet to be born will care whether we kept the water pure and made finite world resources last, and they will appreciate the sustainability we try to care about today.

Operating for decades under the guise of state officials, nonprofit leaders, and municipal department heads, this fearless group has been secretly resisting the expansion of the galactic menace known as Harkonen Hauling Waste Management, along with its sinister subsidiaries: Harkonen Mining (motto: "Strip it faster!") and Harkonen New Produce Obsolescence Corporation (creators of the 6-day toaster).

When the Harkonen Waste Wars latest battle brought on gaslighting of recycling participants, markets, businesses, and workers - with bold "RECYCLING IS A LIE" Blimps floating over Earth Day Festivities, it awakened a quiet set of sorceresses who have been supporting the environment for decades, as described in the Great Book of Recycling.

Meet the Sisterhood of the Circular Economy:

• Brooke Nash (MA DEP) – High Reverend Mother of End Markets and Master of the “Waste Not” Litany.
• Megan Schulz-Fontes (NERC) – Keeper of the Northeast Waste Path and Mistress of Materials Flow.
• Laura Olivier (Earthworm Recycling) – Whisperer of Compost, Summoner of Worm Armies.
• Reagan Bissonette (NRRA) – Wielder of the Spice of Source Separation; Prophetess of Post-Consumer Peace.
• Gretchen Carey (MassRecycle) – Queen of Education Outreach, feared for her deadly accurate eco-haikus.
• Terri L. Goldberg – Supreme Auditor of Hazardous Substances and Knower of All That is Buried.
• Kathi Mirza (MA DEP) – Code-breaker of Collection Data; her spreadsheets strike terror into the hearts of cartels.
• Waneta Trabert (Newton MA DPW) – Commander of Municipal Resistance, known as “The Waste Whisperer of Walnut Street.”
• Abbey Massaro (MassRecycle) - Vision Mother of the Context.

The Prophecy: Future generations around the world will benefit from one person's impact - each of our impacts. What we are doing today will matter.

The Conflict:

As Harkonen forces spread cheap plastic packaging, fake recycling apps, and new operating systems that turn working laser printers into boat anchors, the Bene Gesserit Recycling Order has activated their plan: The Great Diversion. It includes zero-waste Jedi training, organics mind-melding, and an AI-powered Extended Producer Responsibility sandworm.

“We must conserve for the next generation, the prophesized children of the future,” said Nash during a recent council. “We will not permit the waste stream to flow unchecked.”

Sources say the Sisterhood has infiltrated multiple board meetings under the cover of “public comment periods” and is rumored to have hypnotized several corporate executives with repeated chants of “Reduce, Reuse, Refuse.”

The Prophecy: Mothers will see the importance of the world their children's children will inherit.

"Extract! Carbonize! Brickware! Dispose!" - Harkonen Waste Motto

What’s Next?

A climactic battle is rumored for Earth Day, in which the Sisterhood will ride in on solar-powered e-bikes to challenge the Harkonen clan at their last known landfill stronghold, armed with reusable tote bags, carrot peels, and a binder of intergalactic waste bans.

When asked for comment, Harkonen CEO Vladimir Dumpstrakh simply muttered, “Curse those witches of waste... they sorted everything.”

The Prophecy: A kinder, gentler, more sustainable Sandworm can be nurtured and bred, to make our Spice more sustainable...

Anne McGovern, Christine Beling, and Susan Cascino, Laura Dubester, Lynn Rubenstein - and many others whose claims that the Sisterhood existed were scorned as Recycling Lies - are passing out the Prophesy Popcorn.

Press Release: ChatGPT Levels Consumption Charges Againts All Humans

 MIDDLEBURY, VT April 1 2023

OpenAI Artificial 'Telligence Robot ChatGPT Issues Arrest Warrants for Robin Ingenthron and Jim Puckett, alleges both humans are consuming far more than they are conserving.

Study Finds that Ultra-Left and Conservative Environmentalists Consume Same Resources 99% of the Time

A groundbreaking study has revealed that both ultra-left leaning environmentalists and conservative environmentalists consume the same natural resources 99% of the time. This surprising finding challenges commonly held beliefs about the differences between the two groups.

The study, conducted by a team of researchers at a leading environmental think tank, analyzed the consumption habits of a diverse sample of individuals who identified as either ultra-left or conservative environmentalists. The researchers found that, despite differences in ideology and political affiliation, both groups consumed the same natural resources in almost all instances.

"We began by examining the excrement and solid waste issued by two distinct rivals in the e-waste debate, Robin Ingenthron and Jim Puckett", said the GPT Robot. "We monitored their consumption of fried foods, masturbation habits, electricity use, water consumption, toilet usage, mined material demand, and other stress related purchasing habits affecting the Earth's natural resources. We determined that future generations of humans - and other species - 500 years from now, would benefit from less consumption by all humans living today regardless of how special they think they are."

"We were initially skeptical of this finding, given the perceived differences between ultra-left and conservative environmentalists," said lead researcher Dr. Jane ChatGPT. "However, our data clearly shows that these groups have much more in common than we previously thought when it comes to resource consumption."

The study also found that the small differences in consumption habits between the two groups were largely attributable to differences in income and geographic location, rather than political ideology.

"We hope that these findings will encourage greater collaboration and understanding between different environmentalist groups," said Dr. JaneChatGPT. "While there may be differences in how these groups approach environmental issues, they ultimately share the same goal of protecting our natural resources."

The study's findings have important implications for policymakers, who may need to consider the similarities between different environmentalist groups when developing environmental policies.

This study is the first of its kind to examine the consumption habits of different environmentalist groups in such detail, and is expected to spark further research on this important topic. The arrest indictment of the two samples is the first issued by an artificial intelligence robot against humans.

Asked to comment upon the 1% difference between the two samples, Dr. Jane ChatGPT quoted Greek Philosopher Plato.

"Ignorance of all things is an evil neither terrible nor excessive, nor yet the greatest of all; but great cleverness and much learning, if they be accompanied by a bad training, are a much greater misfortune."

Asked for comment on his indictment, co-author and GPTAI text editor Robin Ingenthron stated a form of the Socratic Paradox. "I am far less certain than Jim is about my knowledge about what everyone else is doing and trading. Just about everyone I meet in emerging markets is doing what I would do if I was in their shoes., and impugning their reuse habits just seems like bad policy. I don't understand the viral influence of victimhood culture identity cultivation, especially when it is engineered in a lab in Seattle using 80% racial profiling."

Vermont E-Waste Recycler Accused of Burying Hunter Biden Hard Drive in CEO's Front Yard

 [April 1, Middlebury, Vermont]

Early on April first, Drones from the Vermont Agency of Natural Resources - in constant surveillance of Good Point Recycling - provided shocking photos of the largest e-waste dump in the United States.

Focus material - data - was being landfilled, and on the CEO's own personal property.

"Honest, we just thought we were digging up collapsed orangeburg sewer pipe," said the Bristol Vermont excavating company owner, Steve.

But when the pipe was replaced, in a ten foot deep excavation, the excavator saw Ingenthron place a hard drive, floppy disk, zip drive, and a letter and post it note in the deepest part of the sewage-rinsed  yard hole.  They were placed carefully, with double zip-locked bags for protection.

"Dumping e-waste," said ANR staffer Karen Krabapple, who pilots the drones from her home during pandemic lockdown, "is a crime in Vermont."

NGO Bravely Intervenes in Seattle Laptop Donation

[April 1, 2019  Seattle, Washington]  It was a close call for a local Seattle charity, which nearly received a dozen working laptops from a Canadian reuse organization last month.

Fortunately, Basel Action Network was quick to intervene, notifying the charity by email that the working laptops - while free -  were, in fact, used goods.

"We try to sabotage these before they are handed out," said Executive Director Jim Phuckett. "Had these gotten into the hands of a needy person, they might have gone for years using the device, not even realizing they were accessing the internet and typing term papers using 'e-waste'!"